Unpalatable hipster brew takes out Oktobermeister 2019

With 3-time champ Dean out of town, there seemed finally some chance of a serious brew-off at the Dangar Island Bowlo Oktoberfest, until the most corrupt jury yet awarded the gong to some bearded Newtown clown and his unbearably pretentious Saison (“so shallow it’s deep”). Easily snagging last place with his Morrison Series™ Quiet Australian Stout (“smells like Bigfoot’s dick”, “burning rubber”, “sorry, still don’t like stout”), the wanker was first to react to a heavy hint from the foreman that “pineapple beers would probably score well”. Within moments his insipid “breakfast beer” was top ranking, and the judges were heard ordering a bottle of Bolly with Laphroaig chasers. The comp’s first overseas entrants for several years should’ve maybe read the brochure; things don’t start on time, Munich Dunkel last won when Matt Johnson was President, and Belgian Tripel is usually disqualified as wine. With the 10% ABV Tripel up first (“notes of evaporating acetone”), judges were quickly in expansive mood, deciding it best to award every beer the same score. Prospects of a 7-way tie was making the bookies sweat, but the scandalously stout-blind panel’s Dada posturing folded in the fetid breeze of their perennial go-to Golden Ale (“butterscotch notes”). Would GA triumph 4 years in a row? Only cool shiny cash could avert such a nightmare, and so the ageing scenester walked off with the applause and a bottle of budget prosecco that he’ll probably use on his hair, or to polish his fixie.

Results: (scores out of 30) 1. Jonathan Saison (26.2) 2. Steve Golden Ale (24.5) =3. Jeremy Tripel, Pale Ale, Munich Dunkel (all on 24). Sun 6 October 2019.